Too Many Words Slow the Flow

© 2004 Get It Together Productions

Words. The key element of writing. But sometimes, too many words can be a problem, and certain words can change your expressive work into a bumpy read. Some of the common offenders are that and there (it) was/were/is. Overuse of these words is natural to most writers. Our ideas pop to mind and we start writing. We want to get our thoughts on paper! This need is admirable, productive--but often sloppy. Example:

There was a row at the campground last night that went on for two hours. It was started by the ranger when he said that some people needed to move to an area that was less crowded. Before it was over, there were three rangers trucks and two city police cars at the scene that was lit with spotlights from the ranger trucks.

Well, the facts have been given—along with way too many words. The correction comes in the rewrite (see below).

CHANGE IS GOOD: Usually when 'that' is used an 'it was' or 'there was' is someplace nearby, resulting in a bland sentence. These words nullify an active voice, but word choice can revive it. Consider this sentence: It was Ashburn's decision that led to a new program. Both negative elements are here: 'It was' and 'that.' Let's get rid of them. How about: Ashburn's decision led to a new program, or better, Ashburn's decision resulted in a new program.

Here's another example: Margie took the path that led to the well. 'That led to' could be omitted or replaced. Margie took the path toward the well or Margie took the path leading to the well. Better yet: Margie hurried along the path to the well. The modified sentences are more active and contain fewer words.

Another example: There could be some things that would aid their comfort would be better as Some things could aid their comfort. Best would be to mention at least one of the things: More blankets and water could aid their comfort. Notice, even with this detail, the sentence contains fewer words.

SEEK AND DESTROY: The all-important "I-have-to-get-it-out-of-my-head-and-onto-paper" write is finished. You have your theme and story developed. The first draft is complete. Ta daa! Revision time! You read the manuscript, revise and read again...Are you catching those slow-the-flow words? Probably not. As writers, we read our own work knowing what we intended, and thereby seeing what we want to see. The analytical approach is best to seek and destroy the slow-down words. You'll be more productive by setting a specific task than trying to catch the miscues in a proofread. Most word processors have the perfect tool.

Use the "find" command of your software program. It's usually in the "edit" menu. Set it to find 'that', and study the offending sentence. You will quickly see what needs to be cut or how the sentence could be rewritten for better clarity and verve. Hit "next" and you've got another 'that.' Continue to the end of the manuscript. You can search out 'there was' as a sentence beginning by instructing your search tool to match case--'There'--with a capital T.

CHOP, CHOP: Let's go back to the opening campground paragraph--now revised.

Last night's campground row continued for two hours. It began when a ranger insisted some people move to a less crowded area. Before it was over, spotlights from three rangers trucks lit the scene, and two city police cars had arrived.

Sixty-three words have become forty-three words, and the information moves along at a better pace.

More Writing Tip articles are available at the GITP Webpage

Poorly Wrought Books What Not To Do

A friend's recent post over at Facebook listed a link to a NYT article about memoirs. In it, the author gives his list of things NOT to do if you're bound and determine to write your memoir. It's unfortunate that the article was a few years too late for author Meloy's The Anthropology of Turquoise. The language was well crafted, but the entirety didn't capture me as a volume of import. I'm sure someone else has/will read it and be smitten.

The Prison Ship also had a few things authors should not do.

Do not think your prose is so witty that it can't be streamlined; do not use adjectives (often multiple adjectives) in eight out of ten sentences; do not sacrifice story line for verbose descriptions (even elegant descriptions) of rooms and restaurants and food.

I admit I'm picky, but phrases such as "wander apparently aimlessly" and "his hands lying apparently idle" and "he moved apparently quite casually" are awkward. As is, "[His thought] of her body beneath the clothes revealed in his memories as effectively as the bodies of travelers passing through the new airport X-ray security machines."

One character spoke "trenchantly" two times in three consecutive paragraphs; or how about "[they effused] angry negativity and almost childishly sulky resentment." I don't think I've read a book with more adjectives and modifiers.

Wedged within this was a mystery that seemed like an afterthought; it was convoluted and overrun by the heavy prose; I found no charm in it.

To Tell or Not to Tell

© 2010 Kae Cheatham

Through open invitation on a forum on Kindle boards, I submitted bits about my book Child of the Mist to Vicki Leiske's blog Victorine Writes. It's a neat concept she has to see if the first 400 words will "hook" her into wanting to read more. I've enjoyed reading the hooks of other writers, and also enjoyed Vicki's comments.

With my piece, she wondered about a certain action of my character--hacking off bits of her hair and saying, "for you, Mother". What I had written (or hadn't written) is a good example of an author assuming too much. I wrote that section assuming readers would know the character was mourning for her mother. In many American Indian cultures, cutting hair is a way to show grief for the loss of a loved one. Silly me, to expect everyone to know that, and I could have explained it with just a few more words.

Often reviews and critiques mention how too much is explained, or the wordiness of a passage because it's stating the obvious. But exclusion and too much brevity can also be a fault. Writers of historical fiction often get caught by this. All their research and years of reading history makes them forget that everyone doesn't have this knowledge--maybe explaining a tad more might be helpful.

This is also true for those who write about anything fairly technical, be it sail boating or the possibility of wormholes. What the author knows almost innately, doesn't always translate someone who is unfamiliar with the subject.

It's a tricky area: don't tell enough (as I did not), and readers are a bit confused; tell too much, and readers are bored. Learning how to tread that fine line takes practice, and still doesn't guarantee you'll get it right.