Too Many Words Slow the Flow

© 2004 Get It Together Productions

Words. The key element of writing. But sometimes, too many words can be a problem, and certain words can change your expressive work into a bumpy read. Some of the common offenders are that and there (it) was/were/is. Overuse of these words is natural to most writers. Our ideas pop to mind and we start writing. We want to get our thoughts on paper! This need is admirable, productive--but often sloppy. Example:

There was a row at the campground last night that went on for two hours. It was started by the ranger when he said that some people needed to move to an area that was less crowded. Before it was over, there were three rangers trucks and two city police cars at the scene that was lit with spotlights from the ranger trucks.

Well, the facts have been given—along with way too many words. The correction comes in the rewrite (see below).

CHANGE IS GOOD: Usually when 'that' is used an 'it was' or 'there was' is someplace nearby, resulting in a bland sentence. These words nullify an active voice, but word choice can revive it. Consider this sentence: It was Ashburn's decision that led to a new program. Both negative elements are here: 'It was' and 'that.' Let's get rid of them. How about: Ashburn's decision led to a new program, or better, Ashburn's decision resulted in a new program.

Here's another example: Margie took the path that led to the well. 'That led to' could be omitted or replaced. Margie took the path toward the well or Margie took the path leading to the well. Better yet: Margie hurried along the path to the well. The modified sentences are more active and contain fewer words.

Another example: There could be some things that would aid their comfort would be better as Some things could aid their comfort. Best would be to mention at least one of the things: More blankets and water could aid their comfort. Notice, even with this detail, the sentence contains fewer words.

SEEK AND DESTROY: The all-important "I-have-to-get-it-out-of-my-head-and-onto-paper" write is finished. You have your theme and story developed. The first draft is complete. Ta daa! Revision time! You read the manuscript, revise and read again...Are you catching those slow-the-flow words? Probably not. As writers, we read our own work knowing what we intended, and thereby seeing what we want to see. The analytical approach is best to seek and destroy the slow-down words. You'll be more productive by setting a specific task than trying to catch the miscues in a proofread. Most word processors have the perfect tool.

Use the "find" command of your software program. It's usually in the "edit" menu. Set it to find 'that', and study the offending sentence. You will quickly see what needs to be cut or how the sentence could be rewritten for better clarity and verve. Hit "next" and you've got another 'that.' Continue to the end of the manuscript. You can search out 'there was' as a sentence beginning by instructing your search tool to match case--'There'--with a capital T.

CHOP, CHOP: Let's go back to the opening campground paragraph--now revised.

Last night's campground row continued for two hours. It began when a ranger insisted some people move to a less crowded area. Before it was over, spotlights from three rangers trucks lit the scene, and two city police cars had arrived.

Sixty-three words have become forty-three words, and the information moves along at a better pace.

More Writing Tip articles are available at the GITP Webpage